Okay okay, so this one took me a while to get to where it is now (internally!). It started off as a “how can I stop hating my husband?” article and it was only as I was writing it that I had the realization that I was really just jealous of his ability to take care of his own needs! So I sat with that for a while and explored it and here’s what I’ve come up with!
You know you love your sweet, mildly infuriating, funny, gorgeous, partner. So, as Kristen Bell’s therapist says, “You can’t change people who aren’t you!” We are the ones in control of our happiness. Only us. And, as we realize that, we can free ourselves of the burden of anger and resentment that can sometimes build toward the harmless and loving people around us who only want us to be happy, too!
Read more for how I found my way to finding my way back to a healthy marriage and a solid commitment to self care originally posted on the awesome blog for self-care for moms, The Woman Born (now Taavi).
My husband is my idol. Seriously. Isn’t that cute?
Before you roll your eyes and find a more relatable article, bear with me. It actually took me a couple years to figure that out. I had built up some significant snark and quite a bit of resentment toward him when we started our parenting journey together.
As new parents, my husband let me take the lead on all things baby. If I didn’t ask for his help, he took care of his own needs. He slept in (I mean, isn’t that enough to bring out the hater in any new mom?). He wouldn’t budge when the tiny wails started in the middle of the night unless I nudged him or asked him to help out before we went to bed.
But when I did line up his help, he jumped up at the first sound of a cry (sometimes before I even awoke) and never complained. He took care of our son with adoration, compassion, and patience that even I may not have had. But for some reason I was still angry.
Why was everyone just assuming that I am the one that takes care of the kids? I shouldn’t have to ask for help; I have a partner and shouldn’t he be just as sacrificial as I am?
Once when we just had one kiddo and my hubs was home with the baby while I worked, he was recounting his day to me and told me he’d called his mom (who lives 45 minutes away) to come watch the baby so he could grocery shop. He was so proud for helping with the groceries! But I was livid: I need her help. Like need it for things I can’t do with the baby. Like work and, if possible, do anything for myself. He can’t just waste her do-gooding (which isn’t a thing, she is literally aways happy to be asked to help) on a trip to the grocery store when I have to bring the kid with me even for my own haircuts! See what I did there? “I have to” bring the kid with me. I don’t. I can ask for help but for some reason I wasn’t. I was hoping someone would step in because asking felt like I was failing.
Over time the sleeping in, the calling in of the help when he wanted it, my lack of self care, and the implied assumption that I would handle everything all caught up to me. I realized I’d been depressed for months and that I hated the person I loved most in the world. Something had to change
I was so mad at my partner but I also knew he’d be happy to help if and when I asked. Being angry didn’t feel right, so rather than talk about it or even think it through in my own head, I just pushed the feelings down deep inside.
As I struggled to try to figure out why I could have so much anger for this amazing man who is nothing but helpful and loving and kind, this happened:
One day I noticed my husband was super stressed so I took our two kids out for the day so he could work uninterrupted. When we came back home for lunch, my husband was in the kitchen cooking a delicious meal for himself. And I was instantly annoyed. Dude - you have time to cook a delicious and nutritious meal for yourself? On a day I also have a lot to do but I have forgone that to help alleviate your stress, you use that time to take care of yourself? I was upset because when I have a ton of work to do, I shove random crap in my face for basic sustenance and I barely even leave the computer to pee. Here’s where I had an epiphany. Is my lack of self care something I’m proud of? Something I should expect to see in others? Here he is taking time to… oh… feed himself food he enjoys. That’s a good thing. A basic life need. We should be allowed to do that. I should do that.
I realized right then that it’s me that needs to change, not him. In fact, I needed to be more like him! It never occurred to him to sacrifice his basic needs to get things done and that shouldn’t be my default either. Whether it’s my type-A personality, the way I was raised, or just society’s gender norms, my husband was doing nothing wrong. In fact, he was doing everything right! And if I thought about it, I could really benefit from taking a page out of his book. So I started asking for help - not just when I need it, but when I would like it! I started emulating my husband. And life got better. WAY better.
My husband operates on assuming I’m in control because that’s the role I’ve taken for myself. Without asking for his help, he assumes I want to be the one handing it all. He’s not ignoring my needs or imposing a job on me that I didn’t sign up for, my actions have lead him to believe that I have enthusiastically taken on the role of primary care giver and in his attempt to carve out his place as a parent, he’s stepping into the role he feels I’ve given him. He’s happy to help ad even take over at the drop of a hat. And while I didn’t want another person I had to ask for help, I wanted a partner, that was not the message I was sending
So now operation WWMHD (what would my husband do) is in full effect and life as a parent is pretty great. We’ve talked and he gets what I need. And now, like my husband, I get to do what I need, too!
If he expects he should be able to get work done (and he should!), I get to also have the same expectation. I announce what I need or what I am going to do and then just let that assumption that he can take over kick in. No need to plan or schedule or rush home. If he can do it, I can do it. Some days I stay asleep in the mornings and send the kids over to him so he can get up while I get some more sleep. And he’s happy(ish) to get up.
The more I emulate him, the more he emulates me. He slid right into the co-parenting role I had dreamed he would have, rather than being someone else I needed to micro-manage and line up for help. When I find that I need some self care, I line up help. Having someone watch the kids so I can take care of myself is just as important as someone watching the kids so I can work.
My husband is no longer my source of stress or a tiny cloud of anger hanging over my head that makes me feel guilty, he is my inspiration to the be a parent who is awesome, loving and hands on while also being able to prioritize my own needs guilt free.