Feeling like you should have so much free time, but still can't seem to figure out how to juggle your work, laundry, meals, family time, homeschooling, self care, workouts, and finding time to be an actual person rather than a task driven machine?
Yeah, me neither. Everything is awesome over here.
Not.
Okay, it’s getting rough trying to make it all work. .
While the set of to-dos hasn’t changed with this SIP (work, family, house-old, some semblance of an acceptable amount of self-care), we’re also throwing in homeschooling for some of us and the having the children home all day needing things like food and social interaction (how dare they!).
Our time, and our patience, is running thin.
And with that, I started noticing a lack of quality of engagement with my kids as I found myself with no free time or energy left to just play. Even when I did have time to slow down, I was using that time to just sit and watch them play, or grab a minute of silence, or run some laundry. But it’s okay, because #pandemiclife
Last week when the realness of the unknown duration of this SIP sunk in, I decided I needed to make a change — well I first had a panic attack about not having a great balance, but THEN I decided to make some changes for me and the kids.
I decided to be ok with a messy house for a few days, letting laundry sit in the dryer, and being less productive with work. I decided to go for family walks instead of solo jogs, and get quick workouts in while they played next to me, rather than recording videos for my Mama Mecca in a separate room. I decided to care less about the amount of work I can get in so I can stop and come say hi during the day and let the kids come interrupt me without shoo-ing them away.
Honestly I thought it was working pretty well for us all!
And then my son walks into the kitchen on Sunday with a fun doozey.
After I made a point to spend the whole weekend not working, not on my phone, not sneaking off to do chores, and as I was on my way to grab a quick 40 minute workout solo since that seemed acceptable, this happened:
Him: Do you think we like you or daddy more?
Me: I think you both love us the same amount, just in different ways.
Him: Well, we like daddy more.
Me: Hmmm, that’s a bummer. Why is that?
Him: You work too much.
**shots fired straight through the heart!** I though that he would say that daddy is more playful or likes to swim, which are totally true, or even daddy yells less (also true), but this one went straight to my mom-guilt.
Any feelings that I am an ok mom busted out through the window and ALL THE GUILT for being a working mom flooding in. All the things I tell myself that helps me feel good about taking time for myself and work were obliterated right then.
My heart broke. I felt so hopeless, and instead of a workout, I spent an hour crying by myself unable to figure out how to stop. Do I need to sacrifice even more time and energy? No more workouts? Am I selfish for starting a business? How could I prioritize anything that isn’t my children? What kind of monster am I? My son is telling me I’ve failed.
When I finally emerged from my pity party (to be clear, only because I felt guilty for crying and not using that time to spend with my kids) I was greeted by the school white board with the message, “We Love Our Mom” written on it in 7 year old script (wow, check out that empathy!). Kiddo came to running over to me with a huge hug and used his words to explain his feelings (hey, I taught him that!). He then asked if we could have a time every day when we could just play him and me (look at him problem solving!).
Maybe I am a good mom?
I realized that this is a good kid. And I did that (okay, my husband gets some credit, too).
I realized I am a working mom and I juggle a lot, and probably multitask too much, AND I am doing a great job raising some good humans.
We moms are wired to constantly evaluate our momming. The mom guilt is real and always there for all moms, not just the ones working outside of the full time job of being a mom.
But here’s the deal: Kids are selfish (but like in a Darwinian kind of way).
They need as much as anyone is willing to give and they will do what they can (Darwin again) to get what they want. So they say things, they ask for things, and they keep doing it from a place of instincts, not introspection or evaluation.
They’re like little parasite who will take and take and take until you have nothing left to give. It’s nature. So with an infinite need for our attention, we need to trust ourselves to be the regulators. We’re the ones with a fully developed brain, in the end (even if it doesn’t feel like it’s always functions 100%).
They key thing I realized in that moment was that it all comes back down to me and my relationship with myself. To trusting myself and my choices, and to letting go of my pride.
The guilt isn’t coming from the kids’ evaluation of my parenting, it comes from my own.
I don’t need to sacrifice more of my time or energy with the kids, or maybe I do — and I can listen to what they need — but I can trust myself to make the best decision for them and for me.
We added in LEGO hour with mom, and I’m doing some iPad game time with him before bed, and I’m prepared for handling it like an awesome mom-boss the next time he tells me I’m not doing enough.
Okay, I’m probably not totally prepared, but my trust in myself and my parenting choices is renewed.
We can always use some constructive criticism, but in the end, the most important thing is to trust ourselves and the choices we’re making to continue to be amazing people and moms. Whether than means listening and making changes, or keeping on keeping on.